Inspirational Greats

I count myself fortunate to have known my great grandparents. Lots of people know their grandparents and find out little details about their parents growing up, but great grandparents hold deeper secrets and stories. Family multi-generation relationships provide richness to the family histories and foster compassion between family members. 

I was small when we would visit my dad’s grandparents, who lived with their daughter and family in Queens. They were both old and frail. That great grandma suffered from dementia and/or Alzheimer’s disease. She was very pleasant, though, and always held her arms open for a big, soft hug. She wore floral housedresses. My only memory of my great grandfather was him in a sleeveless T-shirt at the kitchen table holding up my then infant brother. He sang a little Italian song to the baby. The bald, toothless baby giggled at the bald, toothless old man. 

Memories of my mother’s grandfather are not as happy. I was very young when he was sick and slept in the “death bed”, pale and cold, mumbling in Italian. I remember kissing his forehead and quickly scampering away. 

The one great grandparent that remained vibrant and present throughout my childhood and into adulthood, was my mother’s grandmother, Francesca D’Aguanno. Despite her age and short stature, this great grandma stood erect and strong. She was always lean, always wore black (constant state of mourning) and always held control over her family—a crowned matriarch without the pomp, circumstance or glamour. Francesca reluctantly immigrated from Sicily where the old world ways stubbornly remained consistent and unyielding. Her life in Sicily and coming to America story explains the stoic practicality that guarded her heart against forces she had no control over—famine, disease, child loss, family loss, and marriage arrangements. 

Great Grandma’s stories are for another time—perhaps another book. For today I will summarize that she demanded obedience from her daughters, in exchange for her favor and love. Francesca was a great believer in what should be, even if unwanted. The demands often resulted in heated arguments, which was her most enjoyable pastime. She was a master at stirring pots, planting suspicions and gossip, then watching the drama unfold as the daughters blamed and accused. It was better than any afternoon soap opera. 

You would think this would tear families apart and make them leave without looking back. But our Sicilian family ties are a hard knot to untangle, especially for the women. The daughters, my grandmother and her four sisters, remained loyal to each other throughout their very long lives. They helped each other in hard times, kept secrets, celebrated, and made room for each other at the table. One uncle joked that the sisters may have been able to forgive the trespasses, but nothing was ever forgotten. They were rehashed during dinner. 

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